Fighting Forty July 2007

WARNING: This article was written in the throes of a mid-life crisis.

I do my best thinking in the shower. Water drowns out the sound of my inner mom so I can hear my soul speak. (Inner mom is that nagging voice in your head that sounds suspiciously like your own mother, “Don’t forget to take the meat out of the freezer… trim kids’ toenails before they turn into claws… need milk...”)

During my last few trips to the shower, I’ve had a terrifying realization: I’m turning 40! O.K. actually, I’ll be forty in 1 year and eight days but for some reason the big FOUR OH is looming over me like Fezzik from the Princess Bride.

I’ve noticed strange symptoms during the last six months: “I think they’re signs of aging,” she said in a strangled stage whisper.

Let’s start with the fact that I’m not able to lose weight. B.F. (Before Forty) to drop a few pounds, I’d eat healthy for a week, work out and – BAM - five pounds gone!

I’ve been dieting and working out like Denise Austen on speed. After one week of this torture, I have lost a total of… DRUM ROLL PLEASE … ½ of a pound! (Don’t you dare say that I’m building muscle and it weighs more than fat - I don’t care - I still have the ‘3 month pregnant belly’ look goin’ on!)

As if turning almost 40 isn’t bad enough, strange developments are taking place on my face. Do I really need to suffer through acne once more - this time with the added joy of wrinkles? My bathroom vanity has more creams, cleansers, and moisturizers than the Clinique counter at the mall.

For the first time in my entire 39 years, I don’t want to acknowledge my birthday. I’m skipping the ‘almost forty’ birthday celebration. I’ll save the party for next year. (Hint to family and friends: I’ve always wanted a surprise party.)

I’ve allowed myself one year and 8 days to contemplate and accept this next milestone in my life. I will turn 40 with grace, style and acceptance of the woman I’ve become – wrinkled acne and all.


You Know You’re Almost Forty When:

The radio only plays your favorite music on ‘Flashback Friday.’
There’s a secret stash of clothes in your closet under the heading: Someday…
Some of those clothes are in style again.
Your eyebrows are no longer the only feature on your face that needs plucked.
Friday night only means it’s the end of the work week.