To Run or Not to Run (First print in April 2009 Richmond Parents Monthly)

Since the Monument Avenue 10K is right around the corner and I still have never entered, I thought you would enjoy this reprint from a couple of years ago.


I’m ashamed to say that I have lived in Richmond for 17 years and have never participated in the Ukrop’s Monument Avenue 10K Race. In fact, the closest my family and I have ever gotten to the race, was 2 years ago when we accidentally stumbled across the marathon during our monthly trek to Rainbow Donuts… a great local donut shop on West Broad St.
Of course, only in the Frumpy Zone can you hear this conversation:
“Look at all the runners, kids.”
“Are they running to the Donut Shop?”
“No son, they’re just running.”
“We better hurry Daddy, before the runners take all the donuts with sprinkles.”
At this point, I eyeball my husband’s gut and my ever expanding waistline and sigh.
My husband says, “We should do the race next year.”
I smirk, and say, “Remember the Smoky Mountains.”
At this point my husband shudders and says, “Never mind.”
To understand our marathon aversion, we need to travel back in time, to when the Frumpy Zone was a nebulous cloud just starting to form into the twisted galaxy it is now, to when we were a simple family of three – not five. We were vacationing in the Smoky Mountains and decided to hike a 5 mile trail which we had done once before – when we were just a couple. But this time we would bring our 2 and a half year old daughter – without the stroller.
How hard could it be? She only weighed 25 lbs. We figured we could easily take turns carrying her if she got too tired. Oh, how young and naïve we were.
As they say on SpongeBob…2 HOURS LATER…
Chests heaving, muscles cramping, and cursing our stupidity, we found out the hard way that while 25 lbs. doesn’t seem like much when you’re carrying a sleeping child from the car to the bed; uphill on rocky, root infested terrain, 25lbs. feels like 250 lbs. It took us an entire day to complete a trail that should only have taken 2 hours.
Years have gone by, and the Frumpy Zone has fully developed. Our youngest child – age 4 – is almost able to make it through the Rockwood Park trails without whining, “Mama, carry me.” Rainbow Donuts has sadly closed its doors, but the Ukrop’s Monument Avenue 10K is still going strong. Perhaps next year we’ll find the courage to participate… or maybe we’ll discover another local donut shop.

The Magic is Back, Baby!

Something about a snowy day makes me want to bake cookies. However, for the last 4 years, I seem to have lost my 'cookie magic.' No matter how hard I've tried, my cookies have just been horrible- usually burnt or dry- something. My husband just shakes his head and says, "When we were dating, you used to make the BEST cookies."
(Hmmmm, I'm thinking that phrase may be perhaps a euphemism for other things best left untouched in this blog.) Well, when we were dating, of course my cookies were AWESOME- I didn't have anything better to do.

Today, when I saw the beautiful snow covered trees, I was filled with the cooking making urge, so I decided to try a new recipe for chocolate chip peanut butter cookies. I put them in the oven just as the kids were heading out to play in the snow. When I took them out of the oven, I could not believe my eyes! They looked AMAZING! Perfectly shaped,golden brown, not too crispy, just a tad chewy. They tasted even better than they looked! The best part was that I got to enjoy my warm cookies and coffee in utter peace and quiet while the kids were outside playing in the snow.

I don't know what happened but my 'cookie magic' has returned, much to my husband and children's delight.

Great Recipe for Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies:

1/2 cup of softened butter
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 & 1/3 cups flour
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
milk chocolate chips (I used 1/2 bag)

Heat oven to 350 degrees.
Beat butter, peanut butter together. Beat in sugars, then eggs and extract.
Fold in flour, baking soda and salt. Add chocolate chips.

Bake for 10-12 minutes until lightly browned.

Farewell, Sheena Bear

This picture was the last picture we took of Sheena with the family at Laurel Falls in the Smoky Mountains last spring.
Last month we had to say goodbye to our dog, Sheena Bear, who had been a member of our family for fifteen years.

Looking back, I realize that it was Sheena who prepared me for parenting in the Frumpy Zone.

June 1995

During the last week of school, the custodian brought in a puppy that needed a home. I took one look at the tiny ball of gray fluff and fell in love. I immediately grabbed her and cuddled her to my chest where she gave me a tiny lick on my chin.
I carried her down the hall to show off the new baby to my teacher friends. I stood in the doorway, holding her close and suddenly felt warm liquid dripping down my arms. My baby had peed all over me – this is when the portal to the Frumpy Zone first opened.

The next day, I brought Sheena back to school so she wouldn’t be alone all day.
(I was well on my way to becoming one of those spinster ‘cat ladies’ – except with a dog.) The drive into work made my baby car sick. I didn’t know she hadn’t been dewormed, so imagine my ‘grossification’ when I discovered that Sheena had thrown up a stomach full of spaghetti looking worms! EW, EW, EW, they were still MOVING! Perhaps I wasn’t cut out for motherhood.

Despite the rocky start, Sheena filled an empty space in my heart that I didn’t even know I had. Once I got married, Sheena accepted my husband into our small pack.(Goodbye dreams of spinsterhood.) Then baby #1 came along. Immediately, I was sucked into the portal of the Frumpy Zone, and no longer had any time to treat my dog like a child.

Despite the fact that Sheena had been demoted back to dog status, she treated all three of my children as if she was Nana from Peter Pan.Over the years, as she got older, Sheena slept more and more, but periodically, she would jump around and give her little ‘let’s play’ growl. We would shake our heads and think how lucky that our dog still acted like a puppy.

When we brought the new kitten into the house last spring, Sheena just looked at us with sad eyes that said, “REALLY?, You’re gonna make me deal with this little punk in my golden years?” She DID growl at him the first night, but after that, resigned that she was stuck with this newest member of the pack, Sheena sighed, put her head on her paws, and let the ‘newbie’ practice his pouncing skills on her tail.

I knew that Sheena’s time with us was coming to an end, but I still wasn’t ready for it. One morning, she fell down the stairs and dislocated her hip. Making the decision to put her down was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. The possibility of her recovering completely and living the rest of her days - pain free - were slim. How do you say goodbye to someone who has been such an integral part of your life?

That day, Sheena Bear was promoted back to human status as my husband and I held her, our tears dripping onto her fur while we said goodbye. The Frumpy Zone has a black hole without our dear Sheena Bear.

A Movie Review from the Frumpy Zone

I finally went to see the movie Eat, Pray, Love and of course, since I read the book, I was disappointed.

I also found that Julia Roberts’ upper lip was disturbingly fat and I just couldn’t concentrate when every time I looked at the screen her upper lip was sticking out. She looked like she was recovering from a horrible bee sting. Hollywood ladies, please accept that not everyone has the natural Jolie lips…and that’s OK.

Anyway, after I got past the ‘lip’, I realized that anyone who was seeing the movie without having read the book was going to get bored real fast. Hell, I got bored a few times reading the book too, but the messages were so profound that I persevered.

Then I realized that something else was bothering me. I was jealous. I mean, here’s Liz, a WRITER, who gets to travel to exotic places to do her job and she’s whining about her husband – welcome to marriage. Then she gets to run away from her life to ‘find herself,’ in three different exotic locations. Of course, I have no desire to travel to India or Indonesia, and I can’t afford to gain any more weight so Italy’s OUT. (My three locations would be Ireland, New Zealand and Hawaii.)

But my criticism does stem from envy. I’m sure I would learn a hell of a lot about myself if I spent a year traveling around the world –ALONE! But with three kids, that’s not going to happen for at least 13 more years.

Liz learned so much about herself…this I got from the book, in the movie she still seems like a mess to me – maybe it was the lip. I know that I could never do what she has done, particularly the whole praying/meditating for hours on end. I am truly frightened of what lies within and beyond. I also couldn’t live in a third world country, without air conditioning and bugs everywhere. I’m just not cut out for that.

I did ‘get’ the book and the message it contained. I have a feeling many women are going to be disturbed by it like I was. It makes you question the choices you made in your own life and it shows you that ultimately, if you don’t like the life you have, you CAN CHOOSE to change it!

I started this post thinking that it takes a lot of courage to just drop everything and start your life over. However, I’m wondering if perhaps it takes more courage to work on your issues within the confines of the life you chose. Maybe I should write my own version of the book, I think I’ll call it: Eat,Sleep…Buy Bigger Pants.

Birthday Blues

My youngest turns 6 today. It is the official end of the ‘baby years.’ This year, she will grow a couple of inches; lose the chubby cheeks, knees, elbows, and toddler belly. She’ll probably even lose that cute ‘baby way’ of talking. “Them don’t know, mama.” I let her sleep in my bed last night because I wanted-no- needed to be close to her when she magically turned 6 in the night. Of course, the kick to the ribs at 3:00am reminded me why I don’t like to sleep with her all night. (Sometimes she wants to come into the bed to fall asleep and her daddy will transfer her to her own bed.)
Last night, I was filled with visions of babies, knowing that she’s my last. My heart ached, but a hard kick to the bladder, reminiscent of when she would do that from the INSIDE, brought me back to reality. What was I thinking? My 42 year old body could never handle another pregnancy. My 42 year old mind couldn’t handle another kid. So I’ll hug my sweet baby and enjoy the fact that she is growing up and there are many more adventures to be held…thankfully, changing diapers is no longer one of them. Happy Birthday, Julianna Rose!

Life's a Beach!

With the kids spending this week at my parents’ house in Pittsburgh, my husband and I have planned an impromptu mini-vacation to the beach. It has been 12 years since we’ve been to the beach without kids. Despite the fact that the beach is one of the most relaxing vacation spots ever, when you add kids to the mix, it actually can become quite stressful at times.

First, you have the packing. You have to think of every emergency imaginable and then make sure that you pack for it. Did you pack one pair of sweats for each kid in case a freak cold front blows through? Do you have antibiotic cream, allergy cream, anti-itch cream, and band-aids for all types of beach related injuries? Do you have 5 different levels of sun screen, and aloe vera gel? Do you have sandals, flip flops, swimmy shoes, swimmy vest, beach towels, pool toys, and fishing gear? The packing list can go on forever. When you finally get everything stuffed in the van, there’s barely room for the family to sit - let alone sit comfortably.

When we finally get to the beach, I want to walk the beach, but the kids want to play in the pool, which means I have to go and ‘play’ in the pool too.

At the beach, I try not to get dizzy watching three kids, in three different places all the while praying that a shark or giant wave doesn’t get one child while my eyes are focused on another.

Then there’s the ‘sea fishing’ that my son and husband like to do. I have visions of hooks getting stuck in flesh, nasty fish germs on tiny fingers that end up in tiny mouth, giant fish pulling my son and pole off the pier. Those worries are best left to my husband.

After a day filled with sun and sand, the kids have to shower first, or the beds will be filled with sand, which means by the time I get my shower, the hot water is gone and all the towels are soggy.

Then I have to worry about making sure the kids are staying hydrated so they don’t get sun poisoning, keeping their ears drained so they don’t get swimmer’s ear, providing enough ‘healthy’ food so they don’t get stomach aches and….well, the list goes on and on.

So you can see, the fact that tomorrow, my husband and I are going to the beach for three days without our children is truly worthy of some celebration. I’m not quite sure how my husband and I are going to survive this trip without kids. I can tell you this: we will be packing light, VERY light.

Welcome Back

After a LONG hiatus, I am ready to entertain the masses once again with my adventures in the Frumpy Zone. What? You don't have time to read about my issues, you've got your own crap to deal with? I understand. Well, whenever you feel that you are being swallowed up by the insanity of your world, take a break, and check out the Frumpy Zone. You will return to your world thanking the gods for the chaos in your own life. At least, you'll get a laugh and a short break.