Baby Love From July 2011 Frumpy Zone/Richmond Parents Monthly

Baby Love
By Colleen R. Lee
As I approach the third year of my fourth decade, I have come to the realization that very soon, I’m going to be too old to have another baby. For some reason, this fact has caused me to become obsessed with babies. I see them EVERYWHERE. That wouldn’t be so bad, but each time I see one, I start to cry. It’s starting to become embarrassing.
The worst episode was at my youngest daughter’s dance recital. The first three groups to perform were the tiny toddlers who were swathed head to toe in brightly colored tulle and had giant flowers perched on their heads, making them look like they just stepped off the pages of an Anne Geddes book. As I watched these chubby cherubs smiling, their tiny arms raised over their heads, trying to lift up a leg without falling over, tears were streaming down my face. No sooner would I dry my eyes, another group would toddle onto the stage and I’d start crying all over again. At one point, the littlest flower got scared and stood on the steps of the stage with her mother, and her four year old brother, kept pushing her back onto the stage. While my husband was cracking up, I was sobbing even harder. My husband just sadly shook his head at me – after thirteen years of marriage, he’s used to my strange idiosyncrasies.
I’m sure there’s a psychologist ready to jump in right about now, nodding sagely, and saying, “Oh, that’s just classic Blah, Blah, Blah, due to the fact that you are coming to the realization that soon your body will no longer be able to produce children. It’s a natural grieving process.” Do I want another baby? Absolutely NOT! BUT…there are days when I miss how little and dependent my kids were on me. I miss that soft baby smell, the soft hair at the nape of their neck. I miss the newness of their smiles – each one a precious jewel that out sparkled the sun. I miss those quiet times when my babies fell asleep in my arms and how my soul would be soothed and my world would be perfect. (Great, I can’t even write this paragraph without the tears starting again!)
This is where I have to mentally slap myself and say, “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? REMEMBER THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, THE LEAKY DIAPERS, THE NOISE, NOISE, NOISE, NOISE! REMEMBER THAT YOUR WALLS STILL HAVEN’T RECOVERED FROM THE CRAYON SCRIBBLING STAGE. YOU WOULD HAVE TO START CARRYING A DIAPER BAG AGAIN. YOU WOULD NEED TO REDO THE OFFICE AND TURN IT INTO A NURSERY. YOU WOULD NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE ABLE TO LOSE THE BABY WEIGHT AT THE AGE OF 43! YOU WOULD HAVE TO GET ANOTHER MINI-VAN!”
Then I blow my nose and I’m fine…until I see another baby and a tiny voice in my head says, “Who cares? It would be worth it.”

First Printed in the July 2011 issue of Richmond Parents Monthly

Little Red Corvette-I Mean Beetle Oct. 2006

Life in the Frumpy Zone can sometimes get chaotic – babies spewing vile liquids from either end, toddlers screaming uncontrollably for no apparent reason, and school agers putting out more attitude than Tyra Banks with a broken nail.

To release some of the steam that has accumulated in the pressure cooker known as my life, I have developed The Alternate Universe Fantasy Game. My game is simple. When chaos starts to reign, I say to myself, “Somewhere in an alternate universe I am doing this….”

My favorite version of this game is the one I play when I get the opportunity to drive somewhere alone. I put on my favorite CD – of course it’s something retro from the eighties – roll down my windows, and crank up the volume. My boxy mini-van is magically transformed into a cherry red VW convertible Bug. Not a goldfish crumb in sight, I cruise down the road in a cloud of punch-bug happiness.

Now I know I could have picked a much snazzier car for my fantasy, but have you ever noticed that when you see a VW Bug, there is only one person driving it! That is crucial in my Alternate Universe.

“Mom, can you take me and the guys to soccer practice?”
“Sorry son, I don’t have room in the Bug, go ask your dad- he has plenty of room in his brand new extended cab 4x4.” (My husband also plays the game.)

Now some people may think it’s horrible that I dream about being single and without children. But the beauty of the game is that I do remember the lonely, desperate days of single life, when it seemed every other person was happily married. (I now know that was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by my friends to suck me into the Frumpy Zone.)

So while I imagine my own Alternate Universe, I know deep down that I would never
trade my husband and kids for anything in the world, not even a cherry red VW convertible bug.

Frumpy Zone QuizTrue or False:
Ø After nursing all of your children, your breasts could grace the cover of National Geographic.
Ø The crumbs inside your mini-van could feed a household of mice for a year.
Ø You have no idea what day it is.
Ø You tell time by what show is on Nick Jr.
Ø The male lead in your fantasies looks a lot like the host from Blues Clues.

>You are a Frumpy Housewife if you find most of these statements True.
Welcome to the Frumpy Zone!