Farewell, Sheena Bear

This picture was the last picture we took of Sheena with the family at Laurel Falls in the Smoky Mountains last spring.
Last month we had to say goodbye to our dog, Sheena Bear, who had been a member of our family for fifteen years.

Looking back, I realize that it was Sheena who prepared me for parenting in the Frumpy Zone.

June 1995

During the last week of school, the custodian brought in a puppy that needed a home. I took one look at the tiny ball of gray fluff and fell in love. I immediately grabbed her and cuddled her to my chest where she gave me a tiny lick on my chin.
I carried her down the hall to show off the new baby to my teacher friends. I stood in the doorway, holding her close and suddenly felt warm liquid dripping down my arms. My baby had peed all over me – this is when the portal to the Frumpy Zone first opened.

The next day, I brought Sheena back to school so she wouldn’t be alone all day.
(I was well on my way to becoming one of those spinster ‘cat ladies’ – except with a dog.) The drive into work made my baby car sick. I didn’t know she hadn’t been dewormed, so imagine my ‘grossification’ when I discovered that Sheena had thrown up a stomach full of spaghetti looking worms! EW, EW, EW, they were still MOVING! Perhaps I wasn’t cut out for motherhood.

Despite the rocky start, Sheena filled an empty space in my heart that I didn’t even know I had. Once I got married, Sheena accepted my husband into our small pack.(Goodbye dreams of spinsterhood.) Then baby #1 came along. Immediately, I was sucked into the portal of the Frumpy Zone, and no longer had any time to treat my dog like a child.

Despite the fact that Sheena had been demoted back to dog status, she treated all three of my children as if she was Nana from Peter Pan.Over the years, as she got older, Sheena slept more and more, but periodically, she would jump around and give her little ‘let’s play’ growl. We would shake our heads and think how lucky that our dog still acted like a puppy.

When we brought the new kitten into the house last spring, Sheena just looked at us with sad eyes that said, “REALLY?, You’re gonna make me deal with this little punk in my golden years?” She DID growl at him the first night, but after that, resigned that she was stuck with this newest member of the pack, Sheena sighed, put her head on her paws, and let the ‘newbie’ practice his pouncing skills on her tail.

I knew that Sheena’s time with us was coming to an end, but I still wasn’t ready for it. One morning, she fell down the stairs and dislocated her hip. Making the decision to put her down was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. The possibility of her recovering completely and living the rest of her days - pain free - were slim. How do you say goodbye to someone who has been such an integral part of your life?

That day, Sheena Bear was promoted back to human status as my husband and I held her, our tears dripping onto her fur while we said goodbye. The Frumpy Zone has a black hole without our dear Sheena Bear.

A Movie Review from the Frumpy Zone

I finally went to see the movie Eat, Pray, Love and of course, since I read the book, I was disappointed.

I also found that Julia Roberts’ upper lip was disturbingly fat and I just couldn’t concentrate when every time I looked at the screen her upper lip was sticking out. She looked like she was recovering from a horrible bee sting. Hollywood ladies, please accept that not everyone has the natural Jolie lips…and that’s OK.

Anyway, after I got past the ‘lip’, I realized that anyone who was seeing the movie without having read the book was going to get bored real fast. Hell, I got bored a few times reading the book too, but the messages were so profound that I persevered.

Then I realized that something else was bothering me. I was jealous. I mean, here’s Liz, a WRITER, who gets to travel to exotic places to do her job and she’s whining about her husband – welcome to marriage. Then she gets to run away from her life to ‘find herself,’ in three different exotic locations. Of course, I have no desire to travel to India or Indonesia, and I can’t afford to gain any more weight so Italy’s OUT. (My three locations would be Ireland, New Zealand and Hawaii.)

But my criticism does stem from envy. I’m sure I would learn a hell of a lot about myself if I spent a year traveling around the world –ALONE! But with three kids, that’s not going to happen for at least 13 more years.

Liz learned so much about herself…this I got from the book, in the movie she still seems like a mess to me – maybe it was the lip. I know that I could never do what she has done, particularly the whole praying/meditating for hours on end. I am truly frightened of what lies within and beyond. I also couldn’t live in a third world country, without air conditioning and bugs everywhere. I’m just not cut out for that.

I did ‘get’ the book and the message it contained. I have a feeling many women are going to be disturbed by it like I was. It makes you question the choices you made in your own life and it shows you that ultimately, if you don’t like the life you have, you CAN CHOOSE to change it!

I started this post thinking that it takes a lot of courage to just drop everything and start your life over. However, I’m wondering if perhaps it takes more courage to work on your issues within the confines of the life you chose. Maybe I should write my own version of the book, I think I’ll call it: Eat,Sleep…Buy Bigger Pants.

Birthday Blues

My youngest turns 6 today. It is the official end of the ‘baby years.’ This year, she will grow a couple of inches; lose the chubby cheeks, knees, elbows, and toddler belly. She’ll probably even lose that cute ‘baby way’ of talking. “Them don’t know, mama.” I let her sleep in my bed last night because I wanted-no- needed to be close to her when she magically turned 6 in the night. Of course, the kick to the ribs at 3:00am reminded me why I don’t like to sleep with her all night. (Sometimes she wants to come into the bed to fall asleep and her daddy will transfer her to her own bed.)
Last night, I was filled with visions of babies, knowing that she’s my last. My heart ached, but a hard kick to the bladder, reminiscent of when she would do that from the INSIDE, brought me back to reality. What was I thinking? My 42 year old body could never handle another pregnancy. My 42 year old mind couldn’t handle another kid. So I’ll hug my sweet baby and enjoy the fact that she is growing up and there are many more adventures to be held…thankfully, changing diapers is no longer one of them. Happy Birthday, Julianna Rose!

Life's a Beach!

With the kids spending this week at my parents’ house in Pittsburgh, my husband and I have planned an impromptu mini-vacation to the beach. It has been 12 years since we’ve been to the beach without kids. Despite the fact that the beach is one of the most relaxing vacation spots ever, when you add kids to the mix, it actually can become quite stressful at times.

First, you have the packing. You have to think of every emergency imaginable and then make sure that you pack for it. Did you pack one pair of sweats for each kid in case a freak cold front blows through? Do you have antibiotic cream, allergy cream, anti-itch cream, and band-aids for all types of beach related injuries? Do you have 5 different levels of sun screen, and aloe vera gel? Do you have sandals, flip flops, swimmy shoes, swimmy vest, beach towels, pool toys, and fishing gear? The packing list can go on forever. When you finally get everything stuffed in the van, there’s barely room for the family to sit - let alone sit comfortably.

When we finally get to the beach, I want to walk the beach, but the kids want to play in the pool, which means I have to go and ‘play’ in the pool too.

At the beach, I try not to get dizzy watching three kids, in three different places all the while praying that a shark or giant wave doesn’t get one child while my eyes are focused on another.

Then there’s the ‘sea fishing’ that my son and husband like to do. I have visions of hooks getting stuck in flesh, nasty fish germs on tiny fingers that end up in tiny mouth, giant fish pulling my son and pole off the pier. Those worries are best left to my husband.

After a day filled with sun and sand, the kids have to shower first, or the beds will be filled with sand, which means by the time I get my shower, the hot water is gone and all the towels are soggy.

Then I have to worry about making sure the kids are staying hydrated so they don’t get sun poisoning, keeping their ears drained so they don’t get swimmer’s ear, providing enough ‘healthy’ food so they don’t get stomach aches and….well, the list goes on and on.

So you can see, the fact that tomorrow, my husband and I are going to the beach for three days without our children is truly worthy of some celebration. I’m not quite sure how my husband and I are going to survive this trip without kids. I can tell you this: we will be packing light, VERY light.

Welcome Back

After a LONG hiatus, I am ready to entertain the masses once again with my adventures in the Frumpy Zone. What? You don't have time to read about my issues, you've got your own crap to deal with? I understand. Well, whenever you feel that you are being swallowed up by the insanity of your world, take a break, and check out the Frumpy Zone. You will return to your world thanking the gods for the chaos in your own life. At least, you'll get a laugh and a short break.

Frumpy Fashion Quiz

Frumpy’s Fashion Tips:



Warning:

The tips are most likely not appropriate for anyone who takes fashion seriously.

Take the quiz below to see if this site is for you.



Frumpy's Fashion Quiz:



1. Your favorite place to shop for clothes is

A. Upscale mall

B. Department Store Clearance Racks



2. The tags on your clothes state

A. Dry clean only

B. Wash and wear



3. You wear clothes to

A. Look fabulous

B. Feel comfortable



4. The most you would pay for a pair of jeans is

A. Money isn’t an object if they look great.

B. No more than $50 – and for that price they better look good on me!



If you chose A for most of your answers:

Stay away from this site. It is totally inappropriate for a woman as classy as you. If you already looked ahead then quickly shut down your computer, head to Nordstrom’s and buy a pair of Italian leather shoes…full price. You’ll feel much better.



If you chose B for most of your answers:

Welcome to the Frumpy Zone! This site will let you know where to find all the great fashion bargains and give you great fashion tips like: floral pastel printed blouses are great at hiding spit-up stains. Gauzy peasant skirts are perfect for catching puke.*



*This really happened. I was at the pediatrician's office with my son when he was

four. He had a horrible cough, lots of congestion, and a fever. When they did the finger stick he literally cried so hard that he puked all over me. Luckily, I had on

my gauzy peasant skirt and was able to catch it all, walk over to the sink, rinse it out with pleasant smelling hand soap and be on my way. By the time we got home, my skirt was dry and no one could have known that I had been wearing vomit an hour before.
FZ

F A S H I O N

The Blob Returns

Read part one of The Blob Returns in the October issue of Richmond Parents Monthly.
Note: Please excuse the typo in the above article. It was an editorial error.


You have now entered the Frumpy Zone…a place that sometimes echoes the television sitcoms of the past. Richard Lee spent the previous day in the Frumpy Zone and is only too happy to have left and returned to the reality of work. Unfortunately, his wife, Colleen, wakes up to a world that is colored in varying shades of grey. Her usual t-shirt and yoga pants have been replaced by a knee length light grey cocktail dress. Her red hair, now glossy grey, is clipped in a neat pile on top of her head and she’s wearing a very dark grey lipstick. The Frumpy Zone has now been sucked into an eerie replication of an ‘I Love Lucy’ episode.

Ricky spent the previous day cleaning up the mess from the ‘Blob incident.’ He warned Lucy in his sexy broken English not to wash the towels at one time because they had sopped up an entire bottle of laundry soap.

Lucy, the ever dutiful wife replied, “Yes, Ricky.” Unfortunately, Lucy doesn’t want to spend an entire day washing 10 loads of towels, so she decides to cram just half of the towels into the machine. Forty five minutes later, Lucy opens up the front loading machine only to have a mountain of bubbles froth out onto the floor. “WAAAA, Ricky!!!!!!!” she cries, quickly slamming the door of the machine shut. Luckily, Ricky is at work and can’t hear her cries of distress.

Worried that Ricky will be angry that she didn’t listen, Lucy hurries to clean up this disaster before he gets home. First, Lucy gets a bucket and lets the bubbles drain into it then dumps them in the bathtub. Nex,t she starts lugging heavy, wet towels in the bucket to the bathtub. Each soaking towel weighs about twenty pounds – not an easy task in a cocktail dress and pumps. Lucy is sweating, her hair is escaping its ‘up-do’ and the front of her dress is wet. Thirty minutes later, the towels are draining in the tub, and the laundry closet floor is sparkling.

Emerging from her bedroom in a fresh outfit in varying shades of grey, Lucy calls Ethel and tells her about her latest disaster.

Sometimes, even the worst disasters can provide entertainment. Colleen has spent an unusual day that could have been an old “I Love Lucy” episode…a day that one can only have in the Frumpy Zone.