Back-teria to School September 2007

Warning: The following topic is very disgusting, particularly if you don’t have kids.

In the Frumpy Zone, September means more than back to school. It means the end of those ‘schedule free’ days. No more late nights and lazy mornings. And most importantly, with the re-entrance into school and daycare, September means the start of ‘The Pathogen Parade.’ From mid-September to mid-June, my family will be attacked by every germ, parasite, and microbe known to man.

Schedule of last year’s Pathogen Parade:

Mid-September: Back to School Bacteria
Three children - three weeks of strep throat.

November: Seasonal Sinus Invasion:
The start of the ‘Great Phlegm War.’

December: Virus Vacation
Our family felled in a single blow by the ‘Virulent Vomiting Virus.’

January: Recurring Ear Infections
Every month until June

March, April, May: Phlegm Fighters
Dripping noses, oozing eyes, clogged ears.

June: Vomit Coughing

My two youngest were the first casualties of the ‘Great Phlegm War.’
Their systems were weak. Feverish, with severe chest congestion and pink eye, they got the worst symptom of all - vomit coughing : uncontrollable coughing which caused involuntary vomiting.

After 48 hours of changing sheets, and washing towels, my husband and I became professional vomit catchers. I became so adept at cleaning up projectile vomiting, that after my 4 year old threw up all over me at the Dr.’s office, the nurse didn’t even notice.

Last but not least, don’t forget the parasites that can bug you throughout the year.

Weekly Paranoia Lice Check –All it took was for one child to get it and my entire house was filled with chaos. Laundry increased ten-fold, and we all had to sit with nasty goo on our heads covered with shower caps. Not to mention the endless hours of combing and washing, combing and washing. So now I have developed OCD of the Scalp. When my children scratch, I immediately get out my ‘special’ comb and flashlight. I don’t care that they were just scratching their big toe, you can never be too careful.

As I say good-bye to the germ-free, healthy days of summer, I shudder at the thought of another school year in ‘The Pathogen Parade.’ I’m working on new legislation requiring a public school uniform: little surgical masks, shower caps and latex gloves so that no child will be left behind…sick at home.